Help for Teens

Hello, if somebody could help me, I would greatly appreciate it. Please do have patience, as English is not my mother tongue and it will be quite difficult for me to express my problem. I am a 19 year old female virgin. I had very few relationships , but they ended as quick as they started.Even though they lasted for only a few weeks, I used to get my hopes high and eventually had my heart smashed after. For two years now I have gave up searching for serious things and ended up dating random guys which I do not necessarily like, but it boosted my self-confidence. I used to spend time with them like going out or texting , lead them to serious thoughts and then never talk to them. I thought this was quite fun, as I did not really care about them. Some nights I used to go out and drink and hook up with different guys just to prove myself that if I want something, I can really have it, (although the boys would never hear of me again). A year and a half ago, my first crush came back into my life. He had moved into my neighborhood and we started talking again. There had been almost three years since he broke my heart, but I thought I moved on as I was doing those things with other boys. For about eight months we went out and talked quite often but I thought we were only best friends.I did tell him what I was doing with the other boys and told him I don’t want a serious relationship.Despite the fact we were only friends, I let him hug me or touch me or hold my hand as it didin’t affect me ( I wasn’t feeling anything, I was like a puppet in his hands). After these eight long months he confessed he liked me very much and offered me a serious relationship. I freaked out and after three days of thinking, I said no.He was devastated and asked for some time for himself, but I couldn’t stay away from him and after this episode we started to talk again (thinking I could give it a try if it’s not too late). Meanwhile, school started and we slowly lost contact. He wasn’t responding to my texts and when we accidentally bumped into one another, there was an awkward silence.I let him go, went back on seeing other guys, but I realized they bore me to death. After almost 6 months I couldn’t take it any longer. I realized I miss him so much and want him back into my life, one way or another. I went to talk with him and I said I was sorry for all that I had done and that I wanted a new chance. We started talking daily, it was almost like in a relationship (except the kissing part) and when we went out we acted like a real couple (hugging, holding hands, neck kissing etc). I realized he was not like the others and I started to believe I really trust him and care about him so I decided to be friends with benefits with him ( reminding you I was so scared of a relationship). I truly thought he cared too and he will always be there for me and I didn’t need the status of a relationship to make official what we had.After two months have passed I found out he was dating another girl. I wasn’t jealous at all because I knew what it was between us and thought if I really wanted to sleep with him, he would come to me at any time and hour. I asked him about the girl and he insisted on explaining me the facts. He told me that he moved on and that he was in love with this girl.But he was also attracted to me and said I was like a magnet for him and he just can’t control himself around me.He said he cares for both of us, even though we are different types of girls and that when he is with me, he doesn’t think about her and vice-versa. I thought he was just using her to forget me so I gave him an ultimatum: me or her. I told him I would give him everything he asks for, a very serious relationship, sex included ( she is a muslim and she can’t have sex with him).I decided to enter in this competition but it was consuming me. I was slowly changing my personality, just to make him believe I was better. Two weeks later I thought I was losing my mind: one day he was nice and sweet, the next day he seemed busy and distant. I started to anticipate the ending, I wanted to get out of that state but I was afraid to hear his words. Lastly, I confronted him, telling him it was unfair what he was doing. He was caught off-guard and repeatedly telling me that he still hadn’t decided. Then he told me he had sex with her and he couldn’t leave her because it will hurt her very bad. It was all I needed to hear: I left, holding on to my little dignity that I still had. He followed me and started telling me things like it was all my fault, that I hadn’t come earlier, that I said no the first time, that I didn’t gave him a chance. He told me he didn’t want to lose me . I don’t know how to describe our relationship, it was more like fireworks exploding, very passionate. It was like the whole universe was collapsing and we were the only people left on this world – and I can assure you it was a mutual feeling. I decided to delete his number and all of our messages. I believe I was strong and mature enough to get out of this sick thing and there are some nights I miss him so bad. I don’t regret any of my decisions and now I am trying to figure out why I did all this.With all the boys. Why I am running away from my feelings and why I have so many trust issues. The thing is everybody is telling me how special, pretty or smart I am. But I don’t need words from them; I want them to prove me they really care, to have the patience to know me enough.Now I understand that being pretty and taking advantage of this by hooking up with random guys didn’t made me feel loved or desired, it made me feel used. Although I thought I was in control of the situation, it was the other way around. I was unwillingly destroying myself. Looks aren’t so important anymore, I just want somebody with whom I really have a connection. I believe that if there are no “fireworks” between me and a boy, my time is pointlessly wasted on him.I want somebody that will sweep me off my feet and make me smile with just a look.Somebody that would really take good care of me and heal all my scars.All the boys that I met were good boys, but I didn’t see the sparks. They were mediocre and they could make me satisfied, but not happy. My unexplained fear has ruined (for now) all my chances of being happy with the one I truly want. I am afraid I have serious daddy issues as I grew up without a father. He was there only to buy me expensive things. I never told my dad “dad” and always call him by his first name. After finding out he was expecting another child from another woman, I got depressed for about eight months. Nobody could understand me and I barely spoke with anybody. Months went by and all I did was stay in bed and cry my eyes out. My mother ignored the problem (she was interested in the financial part) and my older sister was not that involved.This happened before highschool. When I got into highschool, I knew life gave me a new chance : I made quickly new friends, but this bought me only trouble. I started smoking and two times I even did drugs. Surprisingly enough, my academic performance was not affected by my reckless behavior. I was and still am one of the top students. After all this emotional carousel, I still feel instable to have a relationship. This year is my final one and I want to get into college but I can’t concentrate anymore. I have this strong desire to run away and start a new life from scratch. I want time for myself, to get to know me better. I don’t want to repeat my past mistakes,even though I got to learn a lot from them. I want to make myself a better person, to be able to open my heart more easily, to be able to trust and love. I want to know how to let myself be loved. But old habits die hard. I still can’t see myself with a mediocre boy. It would simply be unfair for both of us. I got to a point in my life where I feel really lost. I feel like I will always fail, no matter how hard I will try loving someone new. I need patience and guiding right now so all your pieces of advice are welcomed.